2 years and then some....

One of my sweet daughters knew when she had her baby, that she was not the kind of mom who was gonna remember to take photos each month of her baby's life on the right day. She knew herself, her limitations, and her priorities, and went with it. So she would write "3 months and then some"  cuz it may be 2 days late or 7...and it was ok and she didn't  need that extra pressure to do the perfect social media photo shoot. She was too busy playing with her baby and living her life. So much wisdom in that. 

I had wanted to write up a 2 years since the Paradise California Camp Fire post. This is where we are now kind of update however hit when my heart was still so broken. We were still homeless and living in a PARKING LOT. Our friends are still gone. Our businesses are still in ruins and having to close them down because we can't afford state fees so we can "try again next year". Plus coVid and trying to balance health and faith and the responsibility of caring for a congregational body through a disaster and a pandemic.

So...I didn't write that 2 year post.

The kids came home from college. We crammed them into the 5th wheels with us, and my aunt took a couple at her house. Then chanukah arrived and we got the baby here for chanukah and her midwest grandparents get her for Christmas. (Works perfect!) But where to put another 3 people?! So my grandfather took them in. And my son's fiance.... and a friend of my oldest's from school...

(Before you freak out and start counting,  every one did covid testing before and after to keep all the peoples safe. Especially with a preemie grandson, we don't play that way.)

But my heart was so broken and heavy in the midst of it all. I wanted MY KIDS under MY roof. I wanted the noise, the games, and the music. We kinda had a church room we could use. But it was not the same. 

And the rebuild was just falling apart. Our costs kept increasing,  and all these companies were taking advantage of insurance money just paying for things, and new town and state upgrades and codes.... and then with repairs and work on our street...these giant trucks would show up and drive (not on the 5ft easement of your property lines) through the foot print of what was our home or drop a neighbors 160 ft ponderosa pine across the septic tank. And were destroying all that we had left.

We got our family photo with EVERYONE. It was like over 20 people. Crazy. But it was FAMILY. And it wasn't on our burned lot in Paradise because my daughter asked, can we do it some where happy this year. 

And we thought about the last time we were really happy. It was on the mountain,  surrounded by trees, and having 17 miles of just woods and green out the back door. Not the house in Paradise that we settled for because it was all we could afford. 

Half of the kids went back to the midwest and back to college.  And we were still in our tin box in the parking lot listening to the earth shattering dropping of the massive burned up trees as our town is deforested. (Seriously they estimate 75,000 TREES, SEVENTY FIVE THOUSAND, LOST. The ecological impact will stay with Paradise for decades and decades. A century. It will literally never be the same.)

Side note- when you tell your husband that it doesn't matter where you live, as long as you are together, that even a box would be fine...you never expect it to actually happen. :)

Anyways, the wise daughter calls and says, Mom there is a house you should like at. It is up the street from us. Come check it out.

And we are so far into this rebuild and we can't get permits for anything. It all just keeps falling apart. So with this despondent and broken heart, we agree, we call and see the house. 

Boy, it is hard to hope. It is so hard to look toward the future with peace and grace and joy. It is winter. It is cold. And like the verse in proverbs says, 'hope deferred makes the heart sick.'

As we walk thru this house that is almost the same layout we planned for our rebuild, but with all the upgrades we can not afford, my heart was just too scared to HOPE. The kitchen is huge. We can fit a giant dining table. There are TREES in the back yard, rose bushes, cherry trees, a chicken coop, a garage...which was another thing we couldn't afford to add in rebuilding. 

A long emotional roller coaster, some moving of things, emptying bank accounts,  redoing loans before another one expires while nothing gets built...and we have a roof over our heads.

We are STILL rebuilding.  We are not selling our land. We still want to see Paradise redeemed and restored. But now we are doing it from a place we hope to be able to heal from.

Thank you for walking this with us. For praying for Paradise.  To those who helped us buy beds, blankets and dishes, sent yarn and ink, warm socks ( Buffalo Wool Company is amazing and my feet are warm!), and even sent us books... we are so thankful. Thank you for keeping our heads up when things were overwhelming and we felt like we were drowning.  

Adonai, You have loved us through the dark valley and brought us to a gracious place to restore our souls. Heal us and we will be healed. You give and take away, and you restore where there desolation. Blessed be the Name of the Lrd.